As much as I wish it wasn’t, dating is very much so a game. It generally has an opening phase that most people refer to as flirting. For the uninitiated, that means a series of seemingly inconsequential gestures and glances (in more extreme cases, groping). Attention to detail is key in this game. Every spoken word has multiple levels of subtext. Every subtle body movement reveals progress or pitfalls. Like chess, you often need to think several moves in advance and lead your questions to your desired answers. Often times, victory — as measured by obtaining a phone number, business card, or email address — hinges on one critical endgame moment, or as some would say, “closing the deal.” No matter how I describe flirting, I can never encompass the entire range of complexities involved. You can play this game a hundred million times and it will be different every time. Perhaps that’s why some people enjoy it so throughly.

User StarryEyed shares with us a story that many have lived before. Across a crowded room her passing glance meets those of a cute boy. In that moment, something was shared. But what exactly? And what do she go from there? Let’s read her story in more detail:

The first time i saw him was when he was playing the guitar in school but i wasnt very intrested in him but one day i was in mc’donalds dressed up with my friend and he saw me. he never looked away, i noticed him and i got really nervous thats when i started to like him.i didnt know what he was thinking at that time. I added him on facebook and we talked for a bit and now every time we see each other we only make eye contact. its hard to talk to him because hes one year older than me :( and its his last year. He is a popular guy so alot of girls like him but he never says yes to anyone. Its always the girls who try to approach him and i am not the kind of girl to approach guys. I just want him to make the move instead , i dont want to be like the other girls and approach him all the time. should i avoid him untill he leaves school? i really dont know what to do!

I personally wouldn’t take the eye contact moment at McDonalds’ too seriously. Of all opening flirting moves, it is the least meaningful because it can be confused for so many things. Could he have been looking at the person next to her or behind her? Did he notice something wrong with her dress? If I was the guy in that situation, I would of moved closer and grabbed a seat next to StarryEyed. That’s a much clearer sign of interest. Someone, be it him or her, should of taken a next step — in person. Waiting till the next day to talk on Facebook is not the best way to move forward. I think the fact that teens are doing more of their social activities online is killing dating on many levels. You can’t read body language on Facebook. You can’t see facial expressions. You can’t hear the tone of someone’s voice or the pauses in their sentences. There’s “call me later” quick and dismissively and then there’s “call me, later” slowly and playfully. If you like someone, talk to them face to face. Your chances of something happening will be orders of magnitude higher.

StarryEyed, based on what you told me, I’m not getting the sense that he’s into you. I know guys with the same profile as him. He’s probably very motivated towards something, such as music, college, sports, or something important to his future. I say this because there’s very few things more important to a guy than girls. Career-oriented guys tend to not to notice girls. Or he just hasn’t found the right girl for him to date. This could very well be a lost cause. At the same time, nowhere in your letter to me do I get the sense that you really like this guy because you genuinely like him. Other than that fact that he plays the guitar, you left out all other characteristics and personal details. You mention that he’s popular and that others like him, but not why. In my last post, I brought up the concept of social proof. It’s entirely possible that you only like him because others do.

If I am wrong, then time is against you. He is graduating soon and you are not. Getting him to like you is an uphill battle in every way possible. I don’t see this being as battle worth fighting. That doesn’t mean you need to avoid him. If anything, I would hope the realization that you should let him go would also set you free of any stress of being around him. Perhaps if you’re more comfortable around him, he’ll start to be more comfortable around you. That could be a first step towards something.

I know I didn’t really answer the question in title. I started to write a lot on that subject but found the steps involved to be rather complex with some of which may be perceived as stalking. Instead, I shall encapsulate everything into this: Guys are designed to be the ones chasing girls. Give then a reason to chase you and they will. You don’t even need to try too hard most of the time.

Got other questions for me, ask them here anonymously. Please try to be very detailed in your questions so that I may better help you.