The Boy Next Door: Following the Girl Code

I must admit, I’m not familiar with the intricacies of the Girl Code. The Bro Code on the other hand, I’m moderately versed. These social norms, while far from official, does somehow govern a lot of our friend to friend interactions. The question I’m addressing today involves the Girl Code and of course the section on guys. This will be my first time stepping onto unknown territory, but I think I’ll still be able to help.

Among her friends, user CodeBreaker is always the bridesmaid and never the bride. It seems that all her friends are not just getting boyfriends but dating the guys that she likes. Here’s her story:

When it comes to love should you follow the “Girl code”?
I love my friends. They are my world and we stick through thick and thin. We’re always there for each other. But now I’m not sure…
Here’s my situation:
A couple weeks ago, my friends convinced my to attend their youth group service. We arrived a couple minutes early so we sat and chatted a bit. Out of the corner of my eye I see a really rowdy group of guys. Annoyed, I was going to say something until I say this one guy. Just to cut it short: I totally and utterly started crushing on him. He seemed nice, funny and his smile was…you get the picture on how bad this was.
Surprisingly, I found out that he was one of my friend’s brother (No, I have never met my friends family, you can call it weird but its true). After attending the services for a couple of weeks, my friends brother and I got really close and became really good friends. We actually had A LOT in common.As I got close to him I began noticing that he was paying really close attention to my OTHER friend. He liked her. She didn’t like him. After that he was heartbroken and like a good friend I went and comforted him but it was awkward to comfort a person I liked who just got rejected.
He got better and we started to hang out again. Then comes the double whammy:
A new girl joined the youth group. To welcome her we let her join our inner circle and quickly become close friends (she still is my best friend as of today). Soon after, my friend’s brother (who was and still is my friend) started showing interest in her and the both of them started dating. Who is left with a broken heart? Me. Who congratulated both her friends? Me. I feel so…helpless?
Obviously I had to move on, so I did. At another youth group event I met this other guy, who was different from the first one. Since my friends weren’t at the event I really had no one to talk to and he was a new kid. Being a nice person, I started a conversation. He was really a kind, funny, and caring person. After that we become friends too. I found out later that he knew some of my friends too. How? A couple weeks later he started going out with one of my OTHER friends (yes, I have a lot of best friends. No, I am not popular and I am not a socialite). That broke my heart. I still congratulated them. after a couple weeks they broke up and who had to pick up the pieces for both of them? Me. And who did he start liking after that? ME!! yes! ME!! …but then he moved…and started dating ANOTHER friend of mine…
Plain and simple, I don’t want to pick up anymore broken hearts. I don’t want to keep on being hurt like this. I don’t want to hurt my friends feelings. I don’t want to keep missing opportunities either.
So follow the girl code and be loyal to your friend? or break it? HELP

I actually read most of the Girl Code in its entirety on the Urban Dictionary site. First observation, girls worry about a lot of things that guys don’t even think about it. Like, “10) No girl shall wear the same outfit or perfume as a friend is they will knowingly be in the same place. ” But I digress. Second and more relevant observation, “5) You are never in any case to date a friends ex or a guy who she was really into. ”

I’m sure varying parts of the country have their own nuanced forms of these girl by-laws, but what matters is this: If all your friends follow the Girl Code, then you need to as well. Otherwise it’s just madness and anarchy. Or less dramatically, you won’t be friends with them for much longer.

The Girl Code is pretty clear about not dating your friends’ ex’s. This rule is so important in maintaining the friendship circle of trust that it’s no coincidence that guys have the same rule. We are, by decree of the ancient order of Man, not allowed to date the ex’s of friends.

So CodeBreaker, what exactly are you asking here? The guys you like are in relationships with your dear friends. What are you thinking you could do? Break them up by confessing your feelings to the guys you had a crush on? It’s one thing if the guys you had a crush on are now single, but they’ve both moved onto new girls. Perhaps there might have been some loophole to Girl Code #5 depending on the situation, but these guys are dating other people now. That unfortunately means, these guys that you have a crush on, they do not share the same feelings towards you.

But, it’s not the end of the world. Yes, it has been unlucky times for you with all your friends in relationships with guys that you like…twice. However, (without trying to be too Zen Buddhist here) your luck will balance out because that’s just how the universe works. No one can ever always be unlucky just as no one can always be lucky.

Ok, how about more actionable advice now. I think there’s some lessons to be learned here. Twice you’ve had crushes on guys only to possibly move too slowly. Instead of trying the friend route, aim for the girlfriend-boyfriend expressway. By that I mean, ask the guys you have a crush on a date. Yes it’s aggressive, but certainly less aggressive than breaking up your friends. If asking them straight on is too tough a thing for you then tell them that they’re cute and funny, that you love spending time with them. Hold their hand while walking, kiss them on the cheek, or stare into their eyes often. In general, increase your level of affection towards the guys that you like so that they will get the message that you like them.

I don’t know how you look like compared to your friends. I’m sure you’re a beautiful person as I believe everyone can be beautiful in their own way. But perhaps you need to change some things about how you dress, how you do your hair, or how you wear your makeup. If you were to somehow standout more from your friends, then it helps you to attract more guys. If the only way for you to meet new guys is with your girl friends, then it’s quite literary, every man for herself.

One last advice, consider getting a new group of friends. I’m not saying to never speak to your current circle, but having the benefit of high school hindsight, cliques do more to stunt social growth then being shy. Meeting different people means learning and seeing different perspectives. It also leads to a bigger pool of people that you’ll eventually connect with which translates to more chances to meet more guys.

Got other questions for me, ask them here anonymously. Please try to be very detailed in your questions so that I may better help you.